What was it about that night? Connection, in an isolating age....

[changeyourstars8]

Okay, this is probably going to be absolutely weird and rambling, but I've thought it through and it's been a long time coming and I figured I'd put it out here.

I went to church when I was younger. Wesley United Methodist. I was too young to really understand any of it, and most of the learning was centered on, "Hey, if I can memorize this verse I get to go along on the trip to the lake." After I got older, I had no interest in going, and I was an agnostic for a while.

Then I started dating Chris, and I basically went to his (and his family's, and my family's for the most part) religion, Christianity. Started reading the Bible (still haven't gotten through it yet, though hopes are high), went to church once, etc.

But I'm really not sure that I'm cut out for this.



Actually having one specific faith, I mean. See, my views on it are pretty weird-- I don't have a set "I really believe that this is right". Mine is more, "Yeah, I think this could've happened, but who's to say that this religious group isn't closer to the actual truth?" I think that all faiths have something to teach us. I mean, I was reading a discussion about various religions and someone brought up how many Satanists don't really worship Satan so much as themselves-- and I think that even that has a bit of a point. Not actually self-worship, but holding yourself in high enough esteem to really 'look out for Number One' and keep yourself healthy and happy enough to be in a position to do good deeds. I feel more spiritual when I'm walking through the woods or standing on a beach than I ever have while sitting in a church.

I think that maybe whatever's up there gave us a whole bunch of different ideas and faiths corresponding to what each particular society would be most likely to believe, because the important thing is to have faith. I think the movie Dogma did hit on something when it talked about the difference between having a belief and having an idea.

I look at the New Testament's version of God, and I look at Jesus, and I basically see love personified. I see the whole moral of it as, there's something up there that loves us and forgives us even when we do absolutely stupid and hurtful crap. And I see the cornerstone of most religions as, "Hey, there's something bigger and more important than you out here." In my view of faith, more people have it than might realize it . . . because if you still believe in love and still believe that people in general are decent even after experiencing heartbreak yourself and seeing the news every day, isn't that about the biggest leap of faith there can be?

My parents weren't much on discussing religion blatantly. And looking back on it, I gained a lot of my views of right and wrong from them instead of from any church or religious figure. Granted, I'm sure they got some of their morality from the churches they've attended, but my experience-- not so much.

A problem of mine growing up was the fairly widespread belief that one has to go to church or believe in God to really be 'moral'. That kind of attitude still makes me grouchy. My examples of moral people when it came to stories weren't people from the Bible, but characters in movies and musicals.

Rent, for example. I really think that constantly listening to the music from this show is what helped bring out a lot of my liberal beliefs. Not that it made me a liberal, but that it strengthened and focused what was already there. I mean, a lot of the characters in it are very, very blatant 'sinners', according to many churches (including the one that I went to only once...), but I realized, "You know what, they have a point. We're only here for so long, who knows what's coming up after this, but as long as we're here let's help each other out and try to accept each other."

Man of La Mancha was another one-- I learned from Don Quixote and Dulcinea that even though your dreams may be considered ridiculous by some, that doesn't mean you shouldn't still follow them. And that even though you might get hurt for trying to help, you still try because it's the right thing to do.

And, of course, there was Quantum Leap. :-)

My point being, I know that the lessons I took away from these pop culture examples are ones that can also be taken from the Bible, or other religious books-- but does it really matter where you get them from? Is it necessary to be a churchgoer to be a decent human being? No.

Here's a list:

Liberal
Pro-choice
For gay marriage
Feminist
Definite blasphemer
Believe in using birth control
Don't think religion has a place in schools unless you take into consideration the beliefs of all the people in the classroom
Have had a conversation with my friend that started with "okay, I bet that Jesus and God were sitting up there getting drunk and creating weird shit and that's why aardvarks exist", and only got worse from there
Don't always dress 'modestly'
Wouldn't mind at all if the Pledge was taken back to its original form
Plan to get one of those little Buddha statues despite the whole 'false idols' thing
Own astrology and spell books
Don't think there's anything wrong with sex before marriage so long as you've thought it through

Let's count all the reasons I'm 'going to hell', shall we?

Though I've gone through part of the Bible, tried going to church, tried saying that I was a Christian, I've felt like I was wearing a mask. I never said anything about that, I kept hoping that if I pretended long enough, the full-out faith would actually come, and I wouldn't question everything so much.

But I do. I keep going, "Okay, why does this verse repeatedly say something about God hardening Pharaoh's heart so he won't let Moses and his people go?" or, "You know, if there actually were several deities, that would make a lot more sense than trying to explain all these events as the incredibly varied whims of one God." But it's not about 'sense', really, it's about taking that leap. I can't count how many times I've bugged Chris or my father or Kath with some theological question or another, and the answer always comes down to the same thing. "In the end, you've just got to believe."

And I don't. I can think, "Sure, this might've happened", or "Yeah, that's one explanation," but as for a true "That's the way it is"? I don't have that.

Maybe that's okay. For weeks now there's been this nagging, "How many other people believe? What's wrong with you, that you can't find faith?"

I have, though. I think there is something out there-- and whatever it is, we're nowhere near a point where we can understand it. And that's all right. As Robert A. Heinlein said, "There is no conclusive evidence of life after death. But there is no evidence of any sort against it. Soon enough you will know, so why fret about it?"

So . . . Hi, everybody. My name's Stephanie, and I'm an agnostic.

Comments

[allthelivesofme.livejournal.com]

k! Will keep an eye on my friends page. :-)