Everyone I Ever Was and Everyone I Ever Will Be

Chris is cooking some form of jambalaya, with cheddarwurst, pepperoni, cubed ham, pasta, and just about every kind of spice in our cupboard. So while he's doing that, I call my mother:

Me: "Hey, we saw the owl again last night. Stood at the window and watched it for about ten minutes."
Mom: "Where was it; on the clothesline again?"
Me: "Yeah."
Mom: "That's so neat."
Me: "I know. Hey, what's the kid doing tonight? Ask him if he wants to come over and watch a horror movie about a demon coming out of a Ouija board."
Mom: "Okay. Hold on, your father has to tell you a horrible pun."
Me: "Oh no."
Dad: "So Devin wants to make sure I don't eat any of his Doritos, and he crunches all of them up inside the bag. So I say to him, if that bag breaks and some of the contents fall onto this recently spilled coffee, what will it be?"
Me: "Do I even want to hear this?"
Dad: "Flakes on a stain."
Me: "That is just not right."
Dad: "Devin said he's going to kill me."
Me: "He would be justified, and I might come over to help."
Dad: "And then, because I don't know when to stop, I asked him what it would be if he bought a package of Hostess Ding-Dongs and dumped them in the sink."
Me: "Cakes on a drain."
Dad: "Very good."
Mom (in the background): "What's another term for Peking duck? Drakes on a flame."
Chris (calling back a few moments later after I've explained all this): "You're very sick, you know that? I married into a twisted family."
Mom: *laughs*